AvtarThoughts

We all have demons that plague us. Automatic thoughts that pop up periodically and make us feel shitty. We all have different triggers that arouse our demons: maybe it’s a bad date, or failing in a big project at work or your kid having a major tantrum in the middle of the supermarket.

We usually deal with these demons in three ways. First we can give into them…cry all night about what losers we are and write lists of top ten suicide methods. Second, we try to run away from our demons by doing something else:  watching TV, going out with friends, knitting, volunteering, eating chocolate, drinking, doing drugs. Third, we try to flight our demons and make them go away…perhaps by using methods like repeating positive phrases “I love myself and I am a good person!”, trying to actively force the demons out our out minds by not thinking about them,  or writing down counter thoughts to your negative thoughts “I am not a loser, I have a job I love, great friends and a loving family!”.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with these methods (except excessive knitting drinking and drugging), the problem is that if your demons pop up often you can spend too much time giving in, avoiding, or fighting them instead of living. You try kick the demons out of your car or drive away from them, or just let them drive while cry in the fetal position in the back seat. Either way they end up controlling your path because you let them dictate your behavior and thoughts. You spend more time dealing with your demons than you do on the things really matter to you (often the stuff that triggers the demons).

So what’s the alternative? When your demon pops up, invite him in your car. Let him sit in the front seat. Let him chat your ear off. You are in the driver’s seat and you are deciding on the directions. Look at your poor ulgy demon. Feel compassion for the both of you. You created him. He’s very real. You two have probably spent YEARS breaking up and making up. You probably want to run away or start fighting with him or just let him drive, but you are trying something new., You are letting him have his say but you are not going to react to him. This is new so if you ditch your car and head to the closest convenience store for 2 king size twix, or if you two spend the next 3 hours fighting, or if he convinces you to just let go hand over the wheel, don’t feel bad. This has been your pattern for years, breaking it will take A LOT of practice and trial and error. Maybe one day you when your demon pops up you can say “hey old friend! I haven’t seen your ulgy ass in awhile! Hop in, I’m going on an exciting ride today.”

I’ve been out talking to people trying to validate my freelancing idea. So far I’ve gathered that I probably can’t make a living on it, maybe some extra money here and there, but not a steady stream of income. Part of me wants to drop the idea now and move on to something else and another part wants to try to validate it some more and get a clearer picture of what I could realistically do with this idea…maybe it’s good to start with and can provide some cash while I expand my freelancing scope, maybe by talking to knowledgeable people I’ll find an even better idea based on my original plan.

I think I mentioned this back in the fall, but I want to shorten the time between idea formation, testing, and either scrapping, keeping or pivoting. In the past I spent WAY too much time on ideas because I didn’t go OUT and ask people about them. I built ideas up and knocked them down completely in my head over a period of months. Completing those slow pointless cycles was simultaneously less painful (no need to have awkward conversations with real people and explain my ideas and assumptions) and more painful (pain of knowing that I wasted 3  months on an idea that I never even tested, pain of knowing that I let fear hold me back) than what I am trying now. Since this is the first ideas I’m seriously testing in the real world, I should talk to a more people so I can perhaps pivot instead of completely scrap the idea and have to start from scratch

One of the hardest things about this whole process for me is to accept where I am at the moment and not think about  stuff like “ohhh if only I had developed more skills around x” “I wish I had done more during 20xx to 20yy” “I can’t do anything new”.  I know this is just my crazy anxious thoughts and not reality, but it’s hard to listen to those thoughts and not get sucked into a downward spiral of regret and self- flagellation. Well that’s my status update. See you tomorrow.

A few years ago I became frustrated with planning. Nothing ever goes a planned so what’s the point? I thought I should stop wasting time planning and instead become more of a “fly by the seat of my pants” type.

The results of my “flying” have been mixed though I hadn’t thought much about planning until yesterday when I filled out a “Qualities of Achievement” spreadsheet, as developed by Rob Kelly. Basically you list your achievements- things you are proud of – they can be anything from adopting a dog to making a speech at your grandmother’s funeral to graduating from college. For each achievement list the qualities that helped you achieve, like “I planned, I was persistent, I networked, I did the right thing,” etc. Finally when you have your list of qualities look for themes, the qualities that come up again and again will probably help you again and again in future adventures.

The whole exercise was a confidence booster and made me realize the importance of planning in my life. Planning helped me in almost all of my proudest achievements.

Not because things went as planned, but because planning provided a foundation for a good experience. The act of planning made me think about what was to come and consciously or unconsciously go over various scenarios and outcomes. Planning and prepping made me better prepared to tackle and persist through whatever unplanned barrier came my way.

For example in law school I once had an 8+ hours of interviews as part of a clerkship program where I interviewed with more than 12 firms. It was a grueling marathon but I stayed on point and composed and ended up being placed with my top choice firm and being complemented afterward about my interviewing skills. I even ended the day thinking “wow that was fun!” It’s not because I’m naturally a great interviewer, trust me, I’ve had my share of horribly awkward interviews. It’s not because I’m I had a stunning record of achievement that spoke for itself, I had unique qualities, but so did everyone else there, we were all top candidates. It’s not because I’m a great people person and can develop rapport with anyone, I’m likeable but I’m actually a bit shy.

No, the answer is less glamorous: I planned and prepped my ass off, I really thought about what my qualities were and I analyzed my past and wrote down stories that highlighted my strengths and achievements. I went through books of interview questions and composed story answers for each one and practiced reading them aloud over and over again. I was prepared, with an interesting story, for anything that came at me. I got questions I hadn’t prepared for, but I always had a relevant story as a response. Also being so prepared with the nifty gritty of the “answers” made me much more relaxed in the interview, I was able to smile, be my likeable self, and just talk instead of sweating and trying to think up responses on the fly while remembering to smile and make eye contact.

Of course planning and prepping takes a lot of time, it means you are committed. Sometimes that’s scary. I have not prepped for job interviews or applications because I thought that the odds of me getting the job were so slim that the time needed to prepare wasn’t justified. Also it’s all about ego. It’s harder on the ego to prepare like crazy and fail than it is to improvise and fail. When you “play it by ear” it’s much easier to accept failing because you could have always tried harder. But when you work like a dog planning and preparing and you still fail, that’s a cruel blow.

Personally, when I was younger I was much more willing to go all in and prep and plan like crazy, not so much anymore. The years goes by and the inevitable failures mount (because the more you put yourself out there the more you be exposed to failure, and even the most perfect planning and prepping is not a guarantee of success) and you become wary and jaded. This sad process is probably what prompted my frustration with planning.

The problem is that if you want to achieve big interesting things, you are going to fail sometimes. So somehow you have to get that bruised ego back in the saddle and start planning and prepping again. Planning might not be a guarantee of success, but almost every success involves planning and prepping. I don’t have a sure fire way to soldier on as a grizzled vet rather than a fresh-faced naïve 20 year old.  I’m trying to figure it out. In the long-term meditation would likely help – learning to detaching yourself (ego) from your successes and failures. Being conscious of it is good first step. Before yesterday I wasn’t aware of my emotions revolving around planning and its importance to my past success.

Life is a trip, don’t let it beat the spark out of you.

Today I almost quit this blog and deleted all the posts.  Then this post by James Altucher made me change my mind. The thing is, I don’t have any major business or life insights to share, I haven’t been a success all my life, nor have I failed miserably and risen like a phoenix from the ashes to share my wisdom. I’m in the trenches right now (speaking of trenches, I just finished “To End All Wars”, it’s amazing). The battles are bloody, the gains minimal, and sometimes I wonder if there is a point to any of this. I don’t know how much perspective I can bring to my experiences and I sure as hell don’t want to hold myself out as an expert in life because my life is far from perfect or even functional. But who cares, I want to share. Eventually I want to have my shit together; this hopefully is a record of the slow painful process of getting your shit together and getting what you want out of life. I hope I can inspire someone else to make the painful and necessary metamorphosis too.

From personal nonscientific observations I know that many people don’t have their shit together in all areas of their life. Their career might be going great, but they feel isolated from their friends, or they have a great career and friends but can’t find a decent mate. If we divide life in work, social life, family, which is as arbitrary a way as any to divide a life, I got two of three going great. I have a loving spouse, an awesome dog, I see my parents regularly, my social life is fulfilling and I have wonderful and supportive friends that I see multiple times a week. I’m grateful for the good things that are going on in life, they keep me sane.

I guess I could discuss those areas that are going fab, the Facebook version of my life (you know, because everyone’s life seems grand on Facebook), but it seems disingenuous.

• First off I don’t even know if I could give advice about the “good” parts of my life. I have struggled with my social life and family in the past, just as my “career” (school at the time) was going great. But I fought those battles unconsciously. I fumbled through and found my way out. The tools I used to break though are now second nature; I can’t explain them or recommend them to others, I don’t even remember them. If asked how to make a good friend I’d probably say something like “be a nice person and avoid assholes” which is true yet completely useless.
• Second, it’s for selfish reasons, you fix what you focus on.  I could pretend that I don’t want to be an entrepreneur. I could focus on supporting my husband so that he becomes the sole breadwinner or on getting another sucky job and pretending to be fulfilled with friends and family. This blog keeps me focused on the main issue at hand (get my ass into business) and keeps me honest. I can’t pretend that I never wanted to be an entrepreneur when I am staring at multiple blog posts about it.
• Third, being honest about struggle is compelling. My favorite bloggers are honest about their struggles, sometimes they make you cringe, but you never doubt their sincerity. They don’t seem like they are trying to be someone they aren’t,  they don’t seem like just another expert spewing useless advice. I respect this trait in the people I surround myself with digitally and physically, I want to embody it too.

Things are a mixed bag

I know I talked before about getting a job, but in reality the thought of getting a job sickens me. I have hated every job and internship I have ever had, I really do think I’m unemployable. Not that I don’t have the skills to succeed at a job, but I just hate being stuck in an organization and people telling me to come and go at arbitrary hours etc etc.

My hatred for school should have been my first clue. In elementary and high school when I had to show up every day from 8-3, I was absent all the time. I did really well, but I hated being forced to show up every day. Having control over my schedule is insanely important to me. I’m all about getting shat done, but as long as I’m getting it done  I don’t want anyone telling me where and when I have to do it. I can put up with it for a few months, but then I get antsy, and in the meantime I have taken a tad too many sick days.

This Summer one of my best friends told me I couldn’t hold down a job, she meant it as an insult, and it worked, it really hurt me. But she’s right, partly. It’s not that I can’t hold down a job, I’ve done well at every job I’ve quit and every summer internship I’ve completed, and it’s that I don’t want to hold down a job. I value freedom over a job, even though freedom comes with greater responsibility. First, you have to feed yourself, second you have to figure out what to do with yourself.  In the past I’ve solved these problems by scurrying back to a job. Even last night I had a dream that I went back to work at the temp doc review place FOR THE THIRD TIME!  Horrors! So far I haven’t been able to face the great unknown that is being an entrepreneur.  But I have to face facts that that entrepreneurship is really the only way I can survive in the long term.

So…entrepreneurship, this is where I get stuck. Right now my goal is starting a freelance business and making $1,000 by my 31^st birthday in late March. My first idea was freelance writing for trade magazines and such, but as I was doing my target market analysis and saw that wow, it’s not as lucrative as it sounds.  So it’s back to the drawing board, this is where I usually end up and I feel stuck.  Do I really have no skills that I can freelance with? For me freelancing is a way to feed myself while I work on bigger business ideas, so I don’t want a freelance idea that takes 2 years to become profitable, like a solo law practice. Sigh. Stuck.

The truth is I’m really afraid I will fail, so I keep looking for a perfect idea. I have skills that I could monetize, but I feel the skills are not valuable enough or “good” enough (like “I didn’t go to law school to walk dogs”) or that no one will value me enough to hire me.  I’m scared that if I fail my family and friends and random strangers will think I’m stupid.

Let’s put out even more truth: I’m scared that if I succeed my family and friends and random strangers will still think I’m stupid (“she’s a lawyer and now she’s a freelance xyz?!? What an idiot, she could be making 6 figures as a lawyer”).

Whether their judgments are true or not doesn’t matter, it’s the judgments themselves that scare me. I’m not going to diagnose why they scare me, I’m a social animal, period.

Then again family, friends and random strangers already think I’m stupid and can’t hold down a job, so why not be an idiot who fails at business too? Why not fulfill expectations until I unexpectedly exceed them? Be an Idiot.

Hopefully by the time I exceed expectations I will have built up enough calluses that others’ expectations have no value or control over me.

That’s my resolution for 2013, my theme for the year: To live my truth and to be a fucking idiot.

It’s going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.  Defying social norms and your own expectations and fears is tough, but it’s the price you have to pay for freedom.

Hello, it’s been awhile. I got lost in reno world, then the holidays then sickness for the last month and a half or so. I have a post about the top 10 things I learned from my home improvement adventure, which I will share with you after I’m done chatting.

Also I almost decided to quit this blog, because I thought, what’s the point, I feel like I’m forcing this and like I’m sharing nonsense. I’m not helping other  nor am I giving an honest expression of myself. And honesty is what I am about this year, not honestly like “I think your face is ugly”, that honestly is selfish in my opinion, but sharing myself without ego and without caring that that you think I’m a total dope. Being  vulnerable, which is a prerequisite for being real.  I want to share what is going well and what is going terribly wrong in my project. That’s all I’m going to do with this blog in 2013. You won’t learn anything useful or want to hire me after reading the blog from now on out.  But this isn’t about making  myself look good for whatever reason, its about honestly assessing how things are going and expressing myself .

Girl…I could tell you so much now! but I’ll wait until Friday.  for now here’s a top ten…written before I decided on becoming a truth teller only…though it is pretty true.

Lessons from a renovation.

1. Demo is fun…and then everything goes downhill. I know I complained a lot about wall paper removal but looking back that was the most “fun” part of the renovation. Why? Because generally breaking things down is easier than building things up. You have the force of entropy with you! Same thing with removing the carpet, yeah it was sweaty and rough but considering at how hard the carpet guys worked installing the new carpet I did the easy part. This reflects human nature too. It’s much easier to cut down other people’s creations than actually create something yourself. Heck it’s easier break down your own life rather than creating something with it. Demo isn’t so existential, enjoy it, it might be the last fun you’ll have in a long time, but remember that the creating is going to be a whole lot harder.
2. Things will break unexpectedly: Our realtor warned us that we should expect things to break at the most inconvenient moment. He was correct. For example, I successfully broke our one good looking faucet on Sunday at 1 am. It then proceeded to leak all over the floor and was almost impossible to turn off because of corroded bolts. Or the clogged drain that had to be plunged for an hour straight. One can see why people used to believe that evil spirits and mischievous/mallvioent house elves (nisse!) were breaking things and making their lives miserable, because it does almost feel sometimes like some malignant force is out to get you. The fact that you have almost no control over when these unexpected breaks will occur is even more scary. Makes you nostalgic got the days when you could just sacrifice a few chickens and your life would be OK.
3. The more projects you complete the more projects you create. Its annoying but true. You put up tape on the ceiling to protect them while painting the walls and when you peel off the tape you peel off part of the ceiling paint too…congrats you have a new project: touching up the ceiling  Almost every project we have done has a little mini projects attached to it. New wood floor? New shoe molding. New shoe molding? You have to paint it. Eventually these little spawn projects stop hatching (hopefully) but in the mean time you have all these little loose ends.
4. You will always end up over budget thanks to things like unexpected breakdowns and complications and spawn projects. This is one thing you can plan for- add 10%-20% to your budget for these events…and it will make unexpected problems less financially taxing, if not less taxing on your time and sanity.
5. Details suck! Some people probably love doing the details, I don’t. If you are like me you want to cry when you have spend three hours carefully applying two coast of paint to a door and it still looks like hell. I like big things where I can see big results. Laboring for hours and making tiny improvements is painful for me. But they have to get done so sometimes…
6. Its OK to cry. When you are stuck alone having to do things you hate you will probably want to cry. Go ahead. No one is there to hear you, except for your dog and the malevolent house elves (they are probably laughing at you). Cry, go outside to get some fresh air and go back to work. Pretend you are in a prison camp and if you don’t do this you will be shot. Pretend you are a professional and you love this stuff. Try to practice mindfulness and just try to concentrate on what you are doing in the moment…Do whatever you have to do to to get yourself to sit down (or stand up) and finish that gruesome task.
7. Be grateful for any help you can get. Its amazing when you can get help from someone who enjoys different tasks and its great if you can get any help at all. Be very grateful  Reward your volunteers with cookies, pizza, hugs, whatever they value. I find difficult work (like details) to go much faster and be more enjoyable when I do it with someone else, so for me any company is valuable. My husband on the other hand prefers working alone. As you can see we are set up for conflict when we try to work on a project together. If you are in a situation like mine realize that neither of you will have an ideal working environment all of the time, and get ready to compromise.
8. Be happy when you get to relative normal. If you wait for perfection you will never be happy or it will take you a very very long time. Instead celebrate the day when things look normal. Yeah you still might not have a kitchen floor most of your clothes are in plastic garbage bags but you can cook, sleep, shower, and sit in relative comfort. You have created a functioning demo. Congratulations you have made a home!!!
9. The finishing details take the longest time. After you celebrated realitive normal you still have a lot of work to do. Relax. This doesn’t mean relax and ignore the finishing details for the next 10 years you own the house, but instead relax and get into a mode of consistent small improvements rather than the full throttle all encompassing renovation mode you have been in. Think of it this way, every time you have a boring Sunday afternoon ahead of you there is always a little project waiting for you!
10. What you learn on the project opens up a whole new world. You start noticing and enjoying things you used to pass right over. A friend’s excellent paint job. An interesting molding in a shop. The wall paper and room color in Downton Abby. The different ways carpet is installed around stairs. The world is suddenly more colorful and interesting. Enjoy your new knowledge and experiences. Besides a renovated home or other completed project this is the true reward of learning.

As you know I have been in renovation hell but now I realize that that isn’t even the worst of it- I have to move all my crap by next week! Ack! Moving is the worst. Maybe it’s not so horrible in the grand scheme of things but I think most people would rank it high on the list of unpleasant activities.

The suckage of moving is related to all change. All good events come with a annoying awkward sucky transition period, A great tropical vacation comes with a long cramped plane journey. Becoming a parent starts with uncomfortable pregnancy…And changing your living situation means moving. So I guess I have to just suck it up and deal, but its moments like this where I want to throw out/burn everything I own. One of the annoying things about having to move  quickly while also renovating etc is that I won’t have as much time to edit my possessions before I pack them. It will mostly be throwing stuff into boxes and garbage bags and hoping that when I unpack I’ll have time to cull.

The other major thing that sucks about moving, other than the lifting and carrying heavy and unwieldy objects part, is the fact that moving IS a change, and change sucks. Maybe you might be one of the few people who embraces and loves change but I’m not. I have made a lot of changes/moves in my life-across country and across the world, but I hate it. Before I move I always forgot why I’m moving and think that I would much rather stay where I am. it’s so comfortable here! I love the location! the rent and exposed plastic heating pipes in every room really are not so bad! Of course a couple weeks after I move, I feel the same way about the new place, but uprooting and transplanting myself is always painful. Even for vacations which I love, I know the night before I leave I always think “Why the hell did I book this??”

Not everything about moving is bad. One of the things I love about moving is the [foolish] belief that everything will be different and better when you move. Like all your problems and frustrations will be solved by living somewhere else. It’s like a tamer version of going off to college for the fist time. I’m going to be a new and better me damn it! Those thoughts are foolish because they often come to naught, but there is a gain of truth to them. If you chance your context behavioral change becomes easier, so I’m still believing!

The end of the moving/renovation tunnel is near, I don’t see any lights yet, but I know its there somewhere. I just need to keep plooding until I get there. The goal is Christmas in the new amazing home and a week of normalcy before that. We can do it! Yay!!!.

1. I can’t believe i forgot to post yesterday, the showt week totally confused me.

2. Sorry for the spam post, I think I solved the problem

3. Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

I would write more but I have no interesting thoughts. My days have been filled with priming and the paint fumes are making me dull. So in honor of the holiday (aka for no reason whatsoever) this is going to be short. Enjoy the holiday and see you tomorrow!

Life is fragile and the forces that control life and death are unfeeling. You can safely assume that you and the people you know will wake up fine tomorrow morning, but you can never be sure. Recently, I’ve had some harsh reminders about the fragility of life. You can control some aspects of your life but not others. That sucks enough but what’s worse is when someone else is suffering and you can do nothing for them.

We take our lives and the lives of others for granted. Thanks the privileges of modern life we detached from life and death. It’s not good or bad, it just is a fact of our modern lives. So when life and death come up its like –BAMB- right between the eyes! It hurts, just as it has for millennia. But nowadays it always feels like a sucker punch.

I get the serenity prayer:

“God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other”

but how do you just accept the things you cannot change? I get how to live anxiously with those things, but I’m in a constant state of desiring to change them…I haven’t learned to accept stuff yet, not the BIG stuff.

When you start thinking about the big questions of life and death it makes everything else -like doing well in jobs and starting businesses, and flooring selection- seem like BS. But you also have to acknowledge that this kind of “small” stuff isn’t BS when you are going through it. That BS is important to your own little life, especially when they pertain to your basic needs, and that little life is all you’ve got. You can’t let the pain of the world paralyze you…Think about it for like a second…all the bad things that are going on right now…all the fear and pain that people are experiencing around the world right now…its overwhelming, extend that empathy to animals and it’s even more so… it boggles the mind.

How can you live and act with empathy and not be a complete zombie of pain. Most people, me included, just actively don’t think about it. But sometimes it’s forced on you because you or someone you know is the one experiencing pain. It would be impossible/callus to ignore it. But what about the pain of strangers? I don’t want to ignore the world’s pain, and pretend that everything is fine, but then again I don’t want live my life curled up in a ball on the couch crying all the time.

I’m not religious, but what would Jesus…or the Buddha…or Guru Nanak do? Maybe religious texts would make useful reading on this…in the past people had to confront pain more often, and for real life and death pain, not “oh my boyfriend dumped me” pain. Not that that dumping pain is invalid, but it’s a pain you are better equipped to deal with, you see pain like this in people you are close to every day. You yourself have probably experienced this kind of pain. It’s doable…it might seem overwhelming, but it’s doable… but it’s the “undoable” pain…I need some guidance on that.